The Mythical Friend-Zone and You!

You might have heard it before, whether in your daily life or in pop culture: a guy insisting that a girl only dates “assholes” and that if she would just give him a chance he could show her how great “nice guys” really are - how she’s being a bitch by not dating him and instead dating other men.

I don’t know about you, but that really doesn’t sound like a nice guy – in fact, it sounds like a Nice Guy^TM which, as described by Jeff Fecke is: “A Nice Guy^TM is a guy who tells you, in a bitter, resentful tone, that women don't date "nice guys," they only date "bad boys," and because he's "too nice," women only view him as a friend”.

These men often accuse women of putting them “in the friend-zone” because they are simply too nice so they must not be dateable material for these women who only like “assholes”.

Similarly to the Twilight Zone, it doesn't exist.

Why is believing in the friend-zone a problem?

For one, it implies that friendship is a stepping stone to romantic love and sex and not just its own form of relationship with no higher level to get to. Befriending someone with the purpose of eventually having sex with them is honestly not a great way to go about things (or, if I’m even more honest, really gross).

Unlike in video games, women are real people and aren't an achievement to unlock!

If someone thinks that being friendly and nice and supporting you through their hardships entitles them to sex, they are not your friend. That is not friendship, that is a form of manipulation.

It can and likely will turn into a poisonous cycle where the woman will date someone then break up with them, then go to the Nice Guy for comfort. The Nice Guy thinks he’s racking up points that he can eventually turn in for an all-expenses-paid trip to that woman’s vagina, rather than just being a good friend who is there for his friend, no matter their gender.

The misogyny comes from the expectation that women owe men sex – for being friends, for what they’re wearing, for a ride home. It comes in many varieties and it all adds up to rape culture. Nice Guys expecting sex for being “nice” just perpetuate the culture that women owe people sex for anything at all. Fun fact: no one ever owes anyone sex for anything, even if they’re married, even if someone is wearing revealing clothing, even anything. Sex is not a reward for doing something nice, it is something to be given when someone wants to give it and is not something that should be taken.

Another frankly misogynistic aspect of the friend-zone is that the expectation from Nice Guys is entirely for women – their male friends don’t have the same expectation of sex for friendship. Why is it suddenly okay to expect your friend to have sex with you for being nice just because your friend happens to be a woman?

Expecting sex for being nice is not being respectful. And to even consider having sex with someone one must first respect them.

If you’re only nice to someone because you want to have sex with them, you are neither a friend nor a nice guy – you’re a Nice Guy^TM.